Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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