Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We left an ass print on the piano.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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