so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize