I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
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She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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