i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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