Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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