i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
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toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
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We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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