Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
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Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
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i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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