I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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