he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
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He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
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She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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