Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
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gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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