I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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