my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
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Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
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Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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