Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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