Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
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LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize