Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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