I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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