Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
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She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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