I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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