It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
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im holly from the hills drunk
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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