I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
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Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
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I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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