she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
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Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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