You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
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I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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