I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
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A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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