please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
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Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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