I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
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4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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