If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
