So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
