Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
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There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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