Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
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so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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