There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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