my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
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I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
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I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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