You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
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the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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