did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
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Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
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Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
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