It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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