I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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