You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
