I faked an abortion last night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
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I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
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Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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