um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
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Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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