Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i've created a new STD.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize