I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
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I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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