saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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