I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
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He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
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I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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