My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
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Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
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Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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