i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
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I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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