I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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