Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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