remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize