Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My hand turned me down
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
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we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
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I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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