I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
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So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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