What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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