what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
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Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
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Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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